I am starting this new blog on a less than optimistic note. I just wanted to vent just how sad and depressed I am right now. I have no one in my life that truly wants to hear how I am doing, and those who ask, do not deserve to hear the somber truth.
It feels like everything I ever planned or hoped for is falling apart. Right now, the federal government just passed a law saying that homosexual marriage is legal in all 50 states, the vote was won 5-4 by a counsel, not even by a vote by the people, supervening the laws at a state level. So not only is the voice of the people not being heard, but it is by convoluted conspiracy to keep people distracted from serious matters, like Obama's attempts not only to extend his reign as President, but to veto good laws and replace them with his own. Especially Obama Care, with the micro-chips in the 13th article literally a reference to the mark of the beast in Revelations 13:16-17. If this was not bad enough, they are covering it up, and distracting us with legalizing sins. Abominations (Obama-nations) in the sight of God.
Then there were the same exact issues a few years ago. First with California. The state took a vote to possibly legalize homosexual marriages, but the voice of the people voted against the law change. Some judges then over-ruled the people and passed the laws anyway. Then I was saddened to find out that the same exact thing happened in Arizona. I myself was one of the voters against the law change, but once again, some judge, possibly plural, over ruled our votes and changed the law. Sin is being accepted, and worse, they are taking away our voices to do so.
I am sickened by everything that is going on. All of this lawlessness and sexual sins. In the past few weeks here in Cottonwood, we have had some police shootings in which some boys have been killed. One was at a Walmart where it was a traveling family, you could almost say gypsies, had attacked a Walmart employee, breaking her arm in a door, because she had caught them cooking meth in the bathroom. The police were called, and upon arrival, they tried to talk to the family in the parking lot. It is unclear from the dash camera of the patrol vehicle, what had actually caused the first punches, but a fight broke out. There was much punching, some tasering, but the one being tasered, specifically the father, rolled away pulling out the hooks. Then there were three of the sons attacking one officer on the ground, hitting and kicking him in the head. One boy went for the officer's gun, and the officer pulled the trigger instead, killing him. As far as I could tell, watching the video myself, that shooting was completely justified.
Then, a little more recent, a squad car pulled over a jeep for a traffic violation. There were six boys in the vehicle, and one jumped out and ran. According to the official report, one officer pursued the suspect and upon confronting him, it became violent. The boy assaulted the officer, who tasered and pepper sprayed the boy, to no avail. The officer, being hit in the head with a rock several times already, shot the boy when the boy went for the officer's gun. This time, because the summer just started, several other high-school aged youth began protesting the police. Disrupting traffic with signs about how the cops should not be killing our children. This boy, who was shot, had also attacked a police officer in Prescott. Then, when the autopsy was completed, it was revealed that the boy had weed, meth, and several other drugs in his system. So as far as I can tell, it was all justified, and I don't understand why the people are blaming the police.
Like a shooting a week or so ago, in South Carolina. A teenager shot and killed 9 people at a Methodist church. He reloaded, I think it was, 5 times. If one person, only one, had brought a gun, the first time he reloaded, or even before, the shooting would have stopped. Now there is also a whole black race aspect because the assailant was white and the congregation, and pastor, where black. But now there are people pushing to change street names because they are named after Confederate Generals. Which is "racist". Not to mention the attempts to ban guns, which would only make things worse, because the people with guns are the ones that want to use them for evil. There are all kinds of jokes about Holland being neutral from wars, and they have a low crime rate, but also 1:2 people are armed there. Which is why I like Arizona, because all you need is a gun permit. No second concealed firearm permit. No need for a concealed deadly weapon permit either.
So, all of this politics aside, the immorality also drags me down. Pornography abuse, masturbation, fornication, homosexuality, bisexuality and multiple partners are just a few of the sexual sins that are not only being accepted as the norm, but even expected. This frustrates me to no end, because of the sadness it brings me. All of the time I look on Facebook and see another friend from school, or even church, who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, either marry or not their child's father, and sometimes live with them and raise a child with no thought of wedlock. Most of the time, it seems, the father does not even stick around. It is simply sickening.
I also get frustrated with the drug and alcohol abuse. There hardly isn't a restaurant around that does not serve alcohol with the meal. It is expected to drink, and drink a lot. Even drugs. In particular marijuana. So many people are trying to legalize marijuana. I do believe, even with the Word of Wisdom, that marijuana can be used to aid in pain, or sight like in treatment for glaucoma. But taking through respiratory means is not the right way. From what I understand, there are brands, or strains of marijuana that do not cause hallucinations, and they can be taken orally, like in a supplement form, or in brownies. This is the healthiest and safest way to receive the medicinal aspects of this plant. But people love the "high" feeling, so they corrupt themselves instead.
Don't get me wrong, despite never having taken drugs, or drank alcohol, I understand the desire to escape pain, or reality. I find myself thinking, day dreaming, keeping myself entertained, and even sleeping excess amounts in attempts to escape my reality. I am tired of everything letting me down. Especially myself, and my reality. It is melt-your-flesh-off hot right now in Arizona, which I detest. I cannot stand the heat. I prefer the cold. Along the lines of "you can always put on more clothes, but you cannot always take more off". This heat gives me migraines, and that takes away almost all of my escapes.
Then there is my physical reality. My body always seems to be less than what I desire or imagine for myself. I am balding faster than ever, I still suffer from occasional breakouts of acne. I cannot seem to loose the weight I want to loose, nor build the muscle I would like. Sometimes I don't have an appetite, and other times I just cannot get full. I have large amounts of bleeding every time I defecate, and I cannot seem to get that fixed.
That brought me to a quick tangent. I do not like the current healthcare system. The hospitals and doctors are just out to get your money, especially dentists. When I was preparing to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had to see a dentist as part of the requirements to find out "IF" my wisdom teeth would come in crooked and take remove them if necessary, also take care of any possible cavities that I might get over the following 2 years. I went to a dentist that gives a missionary discount. Though my wisdom teeth were coming in strait, he had them extracted, and also had me get 2 fillings despite not even being close to having cavities. I have never had a cavity, and had no intention of allowing one to occur. Not to mention he wanted me to come in more times than necessary, for the appointment charges.
My mother is also currently having a series of 3 surgeries to take care of a kidney stone that is too big to go down the ureter. So she has had one surgery to put in a stint and shoot the stone with a laser to create fissures. Then she has to go back to have it blasted with shock waves to actually blow it up, and then a third one to remove the stint. Two weeks between surgeries, and an x-ray between them for good measure. All of this, when from what I understand, coke or Pepsi, if drunk in large quantities, can dissolve kidney stones. (Amended May 6th, 2018: I have since had a kidney stone and tried this method. Sadly, the coke dissolving did not seem to work at all.) My mother won't try it, and the doctors are not suggesting it. Just like they would rather you pay thousand of dollars for an anti-venom when you are bit by a snake, when tasering the wound nullifies the effects, if tasered within 12 hours of the bite.
Not to mention the whole oil spill in the golf of mexico a few years back. If you use straw or hay, which our country can supply much easier, for less cost, and more environmentally friendly compared to whatever clean up system the government currently uses, it can clean up the oil in days rather than weeks or months. Just because some sheriff in Florida posted a video of it on YouTube instead of the egg-heads at NASA or somewhere, they don't use it.
Sorry, that tangent was longer than I was planning. Anyway, aspects of my reality that I am disappointed with. I planned originally on graduating from high-school, getting my drivers license, going to Devry or ITT Tech for a degree in graphic design. Now, currently, I am an unemployed 22 year old high-school drop out, who is halfway through an associates degree in art, but can no longer afford to go to school. So I am currently planning on trying the BYU-I Pathway program, which has the first year pretty much pointless other than getting used to doing classes online, which I have done before. But unless we get 15 signed up, I would have to travel to Prescott once a week for a meeting, and without a license, that is looking unlikely. Not to mention how few people we have signed up.
So education wise I am going nowhere, not sure if I even want to go anywhere anymore. I don't want callings at church, even though I am Elder's Quorum First Counselor, and so I teach the lesson almost every week. I don't even feel like caring enough to go to the YSA Branch anymore. I feel like I am giving up on my hope of love. I only go there anymore because of a faint hope that a cute sister might move in, and might be interested in me. I have been home from my mission for over a year, and every girl I have asked out has said no, except for one. We broke up on our third date because I was interested in a relationship, and she was just looking for a friend. I despise the friend zone, but it is still better than nothing, if only being in the friend zone meant that I actually had friends.
I have no one, no one, in my life that I feel like I can call up to hang out and talk or anything. I have tried, and all I get is the run around. All I have is a former mission companion that I email once a week. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one who cares, probably because he is the only one who understands. I had been in a massive depression when I became his companion, to the point where I wanted to take my own life. He helped me out of it.
Alas, I am loosing pleasure in progression. I have wanted to become better, better skilled, learn more, become smarter. I have not reviewed my mnemonic (memorization) list since I have been home from my mission. At my peak I had over 400 scriptures memorized, with references and over 200 quotes. I am no longer satisfied with watching movies. I have always loved movies, but now they just seem to mock me. "You will never have super powers. You will never get the girl. You will never be as cool as me. You will never animate a movie like me. You will never act as good as me. You will never direct as good as me." I am tired of all of this.
I try to keep myself occupied, but mostly I have to go by whims in order to accomplish something, but if it takes too long, I often leave it unfinished. I have become very whimsical. I tried creating a stuffed animal named Joshua, based off of the Crites from the movie Critters. It did not turn out like I wanted. My reality, my skills disappointed me. I am currently trying to make a paper machete mask, but I want it to be so perfect, but I don't have the right supplies, and my ideas are not working out.
I also dabble in digital art, but I am not good enough on my own, so I stenciled other art and make it my own. Splicing pieces together like Frankenstein, and coming up with something that is mine. But, I am finding that most of my art I cannot post. I have no fans for my work. It is purely my own, for me, and feels like my efforts are wasted. No one else can appreciate it.
I am even irritated with the television shows coming out. It is like they are turning everything good, and is prophesied to be good, into something bad. The raising of the dead, they turn into the fear of zombies (The Walking Dead). Imaginary friends of children, who in real likely hood are spirits, usually good spirits, into an alien wanting them to do horrible things (The Whispers). Angels into jerks (Supernatural). Lamb shall lay down with the lion, all animals murdering humans (Zoo). The darkness of the world is literally attacking the light, no longer is it passive.
I daydream so much, to escape this reality, where I always fail, something always goes wrong, and any solutions are only temporary. Yet I am finding that my daydreams don't do it for me any more. I am sickened by my own thoughts, so redundant, and without purpose, without hope. I cannot even imagine a happy ending anymore.
I feel so empty and hollow, I have tried filling the hole in my soul with movies, imaginary girls, imaginary friends, imaginary pets, games, food, sleep, activities, and mostly God. But still nothing satisfies. It was a hard thing on my mission, testifying of the things I know to be true, that there is a God in heaven, He is our Father, His Son is Jesus Christ, and His church was restored in its fullness to the earth by the Prophet Joseph Smith Jr. I know that the gospel or the "good news" of the fullness of Christ's atonement was revealed again out of darkness, but I can not testify that it will bring you happiness. I have tried so hard to live what I know to be true, I have seen the blessings, I have felt peace, I have felt love, I have spoken with God in prayer, and He has spoken back, but it is always temporary. I am left wanting more, and then it does not come. God gives us a taste and then asks us to walk by faith.
This is a good message to leave and end this venting address. God is good, you can have goodness in your life, but goodness, as far as I have seen in my own life, does not mean happiness.
Love,
Jacobugoth
