Coulrophobia

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to speak about the serendipitous providence of God. It is amazing how much truth there is in the scripture "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Usually we think of temptations as oportunitites or enticements to sin. However, I would add that temptations include those things that cause us to fear and be afraid. God does not want anything to hold us up and stop us from progressing, which includes the addictions of sins as well as phobias or fears that act as stumbling blocks.

http://phobia.wikia.com/wiki/Acrophobia

Throughout my life I have slowly worked on discovering the roots and causes of my fears and progressed in resolving and overcoming many of them. One of the first was my fear of heights or acrophobia. I realized that this was a fear handed down to me from my mother. Growing up with a protective mother who was afraid of heights, that fear spread and became contagious, making me afraid of heights because of seeing my mother so afraid of heights. To overcome this, I progressed by being willing to climb ladders and creep to the edge of lofty ledges until I became more comfortable there. I still have what I would consider a healthy respect for heights and the pull of gravity resulting from a fall, as well as a cautious approach when it comes to climbing, however it allows me to go forth and do those things I need and want to do.

Lucas the Spider created by Joshua Slice

Similarly, I was afraid of spiders ever since I was four and rolled over a tarantula on my tricycle. I still remember how I had a little trail through my back yard that I would ride back and forth on. One day there was a bump, like I was hitting a rock, yet back and forth I continued to go. After repeatedly hitting it I finally decided to lean over and move it out of my way. My hand nearly touched it as I saw so many eyes staring up at me. It was no rock.

With arachnophobia then encroached upon my heart, it took longer to overcome and even tolerate spiders in my life. It is rather difficult to say how the gradual change occurred from a shrieking disdain to acceptance of their existence. Though I do not foresee myself having a spider as a pet, I do try to spare their lives and remove them from my abode rather than slaying them outright.

While both my acrophobia and arachnophobia receded after time and effort over many years, my fear of the dark was the most aggressive. I had nyctophobia until I was fourteen. Despite my love of monsters, Halloween, and creepy things, my imagination would run wild and throw some of the most vile terrors into the shadows of my life.

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I remember that my father had started his own charter school, and there was a back room where he had painted over the skylights with a light blue paint. With the lights on, it almost looked white with the blue tint, but with the lights off, the sun shining down though the ceiling filled the room with a shadowy blue aurora. I called it the blue room.

However, there was one more room attached to the blue room that, when the door was open, was barely lit by this ominous azure light. It was in this second room that my mind would play the piper, summoning the fiends from the depths of my subconscious. Therefore, it was in this room that I conquered my fear,

Standing alone in the dark, with the glints of blue highlight sparkling on different surfaces, outlining obscure edges and shapes, I spoke to the darkness. I was tired of being afraid, tired of being tormented by my own mind. So I called out to that darkness, addressed the beasts, creatures, and monsters real and imaginary and warned them, nay threatened them, that if they did not leave me alone then I would destroy them. I would become the thing they fear, more fierce, more ferocious, and more terrible. I would become a scourge for them as they had been for me.

Since then, I gained more confidence in the darkness. Like an old friend, it welcomes me and I find some amount of peace there. The apparitions of my mind are mine to command, and as for what beings that actually lurk in the dark, their disturbance of my life has been few and far between. While watching a 2002 documentary called Masters of Horror, I found a connection with Guillermo del Toro who recounted an experience from his youth where his imagination would create monsters in the shadows of his room. He over came his fantastic creatures by offering to become their friend, and was able to sleep peacefully after that.

From these experiences, not only did I see that I am not alone with my phobias nor with the ways to combat it, but fear has two main reactions: fight and flight. For my acrophobia and arachnophobia I would classify them as flight for it was by persisting and continuing on that I have been able to move on with my life. Thus, my nyctophobia is more of the fight response, aggressive, direct confrontation of my fear. However, there is another fear I had that provoked a fight response.

My fear of clowns, or coulrophobia, is the one that has inspired this post. I feel as though I have overcome this fear, but in such a way that is beyond my own labors. I am pressed upon to acknowledge and testify of God's providence in my life. For most would say it is by happenstance or serendipity that events transpired as they have, that luck and coincidence rules this life of chance. Nevertheless this fear, this temptation, was provided with a way to escape.

In the innocence of youth, I was left unattended in front of the television many a time. As it so happens, a movie crossed the screen, of red balloons filled with blood, and a clown horrendous to a child's mind. Steven King's IT was the movie, and Pennywise was the clown.

Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown from 1990's IT by Steven King

Despite this cruel impression left upon my growing consciousness, there would have been no way to foresee that as I waded through life wondering if I would beat the daylights out of the next clown I see or if I would run away screaming, the cure to my mental anguish would be the same culprit.

Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise the Dancing Clown from 2017's IT by Steven King

The 2017 version of IT has proved to be my saving grace from my fear. This new Pennywise's personality of a somewhat kind yet creepy demeanor, bright, flowing red hair and washed out colors of his costume made him the first clown I have not been afraid of. Despite his disposition and desire to munch on children, the way he spreads fear, and tries to startle with quick movements, reminds me a little of the darker side of myself. So much so, that I could even see myself being friends with that carnivorous little clown.

Spider version of the boggart from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

A partial factor could be that I heard the IT creature is similar to a boggart from Harry Potter. This, I admit, aided in the pacifying of the movie as a bunch of muggles trying to fight a boggart without magic.

Nevertheless, I see and acknowledge God's hand in delivering me from the temptation of coulrophobia, with His planned serendipity, which is providence, of the very being that smote the wound of fear into my heart being the one that also applied the balm of Gilead (healing ointment [Jeremiah 8:22]). Though I have not, as of yet, had ample opportunity to test my new found courage, my heart rests easy being lead to peace in the absence of fear, by the Lord my God.

I too know that God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him, I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. Praise be to them forever and ever. Amen.

Love,
Jacobugoth