Coulrophobia

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to speak about the serendipitous providence of God. It is amazing how much truth there is in the scripture "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Usually we think of temptations as oportunitites or enticements to sin. However, I would add that temptations include those things that cause us to fear and be afraid. God does not want anything to hold us up and stop us from progressing, which includes the addictions of sins as well as phobias or fears that act as stumbling blocks.

http://phobia.wikia.com/wiki/Acrophobia

Throughout my life I have slowly worked on discovering the roots and causes of my fears and progressed in resolving and overcoming many of them. One of the first was my fear of heights or acrophobia. I realized that this was a fear handed down to me from my mother. Growing up with a protective mother who was afraid of heights, that fear spread and became contagious, making me afraid of heights because of seeing my mother so afraid of heights. To overcome this, I progressed by being willing to climb ladders and creep to the edge of lofty ledges until I became more comfortable there. I still have what I would consider a healthy respect for heights and the pull of gravity resulting from a fall, as well as a cautious approach when it comes to climbing, however it allows me to go forth and do those things I need and want to do.

Lucas the Spider created by Joshua Slice

Similarly, I was afraid of spiders ever since I was four and rolled over a tarantula on my tricycle. I still remember how I had a little trail through my back yard that I would ride back and forth on. One day there was a bump, like I was hitting a rock, yet back and forth I continued to go. After repeatedly hitting it I finally decided to lean over and move it out of my way. My hand nearly touched it as I saw so many eyes staring up at me. It was no rock.

With arachnophobia then encroached upon my heart, it took longer to overcome and even tolerate spiders in my life. It is rather difficult to say how the gradual change occurred from a shrieking disdain to acceptance of their existence. Though I do not foresee myself having a spider as a pet, I do try to spare their lives and remove them from my abode rather than slaying them outright.

While both my acrophobia and arachnophobia receded after time and effort over many years, my fear of the dark was the most aggressive. I had nyctophobia until I was fourteen. Despite my love of monsters, Halloween, and creepy things, my imagination would run wild and throw some of the most vile terrors into the shadows of my life.

Image Link

I remember that my father had started his own charter school, and there was a back room where he had painted over the skylights with a light blue paint. With the lights on, it almost looked white with the blue tint, but with the lights off, the sun shining down though the ceiling filled the room with a shadowy blue aurora. I called it the blue room.

However, there was one more room attached to the blue room that, when the door was open, was barely lit by this ominous azure light. It was in this second room that my mind would play the piper, summoning the fiends from the depths of my subconscious. Therefore, it was in this room that I conquered my fear,

Standing alone in the dark, with the glints of blue highlight sparkling on different surfaces, outlining obscure edges and shapes, I spoke to the darkness. I was tired of being afraid, tired of being tormented by my own mind. So I called out to that darkness, addressed the beasts, creatures, and monsters real and imaginary and warned them, nay threatened them, that if they did not leave me alone then I would destroy them. I would become the thing they fear, more fierce, more ferocious, and more terrible. I would become a scourge for them as they had been for me.

Since then, I gained more confidence in the darkness. Like an old friend, it welcomes me and I find some amount of peace there. The apparitions of my mind are mine to command, and as for what beings that actually lurk in the dark, their disturbance of my life has been few and far between. While watching a 2002 documentary called Masters of Horror, I found a connection with Guillermo del Toro who recounted an experience from his youth where his imagination would create monsters in the shadows of his room. He over came his fantastic creatures by offering to become their friend, and was able to sleep peacefully after that.

From these experiences, not only did I see that I am not alone with my phobias nor with the ways to combat it, but fear has two main reactions: fight and flight. For my acrophobia and arachnophobia I would classify them as flight for it was by persisting and continuing on that I have been able to move on with my life. Thus, my nyctophobia is more of the fight response, aggressive, direct confrontation of my fear. However, there is another fear I had that provoked a fight response.

My fear of clowns, or coulrophobia, is the one that has inspired this post. I feel as though I have overcome this fear, but in such a way that is beyond my own labors. I am pressed upon to acknowledge and testify of God's providence in my life. For most would say it is by happenstance or serendipity that events transpired as they have, that luck and coincidence rules this life of chance. Nevertheless this fear, this temptation, was provided with a way to escape.

In the innocence of youth, I was left unattended in front of the television many a time. As it so happens, a movie crossed the screen, of red balloons filled with blood, and a clown horrendous to a child's mind. Steven King's IT was the movie, and Pennywise was the clown.

Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown from 1990's IT by Steven King

Despite this cruel impression left upon my growing consciousness, there would have been no way to foresee that as I waded through life wondering if I would beat the daylights out of the next clown I see or if I would run away screaming, the cure to my mental anguish would be the same culprit.

Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise the Dancing Clown from 2017's IT by Steven King

The 2017 version of IT has proved to be my saving grace from my fear. This new Pennywise's personality of a somewhat kind yet creepy demeanor, bright, flowing red hair and washed out colors of his costume made him the first clown I have not been afraid of. Despite his disposition and desire to munch on children, the way he spreads fear, and tries to startle with quick movements, reminds me a little of the darker side of myself. So much so, that I could even see myself being friends with that carnivorous little clown.

Spider version of the boggart from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

A partial factor could be that I heard the IT creature is similar to a boggart from Harry Potter. This, I admit, aided in the pacifying of the movie as a bunch of muggles trying to fight a boggart without magic.

Nevertheless, I see and acknowledge God's hand in delivering me from the temptation of coulrophobia, with His planned serendipity, which is providence, of the very being that smote the wound of fear into my heart being the one that also applied the balm of Gilead (healing ointment [Jeremiah 8:22]). Though I have not, as of yet, had ample opportunity to test my new found courage, my heart rests easy being lead to peace in the absence of fear, by the Lord my God.

I too know that God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him, I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. Praise be to them forever and ever. Amen.

Love,
Jacobugoth

Love

Dear Readers,

I have had a problem throughout my life. This problems is "love" or rather, my not understanding what love is. Thus, I am writing this blog post to help others see what my conclusions are, and the blueprints to its discovery. The Heart has been covered in another post, so I will try to steer away from that.

Now, LDS.ORG topics defines love as, "Love is a feeling of deep devotion, concern, and affection. The greatest example of God's love for His children is found in the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ. Love for God and fellow men is a characteristic of disciples of Jesus Christ."

This is the greatest single definition of love I could find because it is a universal definition. I have noticed that there are different kinds of love. There is the "brotherly" or "sisterly" love that we are supposed to have for all other human beings. "...Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matthew 22:39). Then there is closer love, the love of friends, those that we trust to show our full personalities. Following, is the love of parents for their children, which is quite similar though is pale in comparison to God's love for us, which is charity.

"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." (Moroni 7:47)
"And Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." (Moroni 7:45)

God's love for us is then closely related to our love for Him, and we show that love by Christ's words, "If ye love me, keep my commandments." (John 14:15).

Lastly, and this is the kind of love I wanted to focus on, is romantic love. The best single definition I have found for specifically this type of love is a definition from ArtTrade.TV.

President Gordon B. Hinckley expounded upon his conclusions of love in the 1984 Ensign article And the Greatest of These is Love. "I have since come to know that love is more than a paper heart. Love is of the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is more than the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arches across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. how rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, church, and neighbors."

I think of Hinckley's reference to the rainbow is a parable for life. Too often we hope to eventually reach love, that it is the prize at the end of the journey. However, this is not so, we can have love at the beginning of the journey, and all along the rainbow itself. We are meant to have love.

Hinckley continues, "I am one who believes that love, like faith, is a gift of God. I agree with the expression, "Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased." (Pearl Buck, in The Treasure Chest, ed. Charles L. Wallis, New York: Harper and Row, 1965, p. 165.) "Ignorant people are always saying, 'I wonder what he sees in her [or him]; not realizing that what he [or she] sees in her [or him] (and what no one else can see) is the secret essence of love." (Sydney J. Harris, Deseret News.)

The First Presidency message in the October 1996 Liahona adds, "Love is the catalyst that causes change. Love is the balm that brings healing to the soul. But love doesn't grow like weeds or fall like rain. Love has its price. "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life? (John 3:16). That Son, even the Lord Jesus Christ, gave His life that we might have eternal life, so great was His love for His Father and for us." (The Doorway of Love)

There are so many people that believe that faith is just something one has. Yet it is a gift from God. Some people have received this gift seemingly from the womb, others have to work and pray for it. Wonderfully, this gift is meant for each and every one of us! Even more magnificent still, the gift of love is the same way. There are those who seem to know love, have love, and share love from their early infantry, alas, I am not one of those. I have been working so hard to gain love in my life. My prayers as of recently have magnified this intent. However, it has been a rough uphill struggle.

From that first night that I poured out my whole soul to God to teach me about love, I have been met with literal spiritual attacks by malevolent spirits. They haunt my dreams trying to obscure and corrupt my thoughts and hopes for love. Through my persistence and strength given to me from God, I feel like I have come to at least identify what love is in my life,

In my daily research I have found this quote from President David O. McKay who in turn quoted George Q. Morris. What is true love? 

"Well, you may ask, 'how may I know when I am in love?'
"... George Q. Morris [who later became a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, gave this reply]: 'My mother once said that if you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a young woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart.'
"I submit that... as a true guide. In the presence of the girl you truly love you do not feel to grovel; in her presence you do not attempt to take advantage of her; in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a Master Man should become, for she will inspire you to that ideal. And I ask you young women to cherish that same guide"

That is my current measurement for finding love. If I meet a girl in whose presence or even the idea of being with her fills me with such a desire to better myself, to better myself for her, then I know that I am feeling love.

Currently, I feel that way for a particular girl, however, as far as I know this is one sided. Thus, another term that needs to be brought up is a "crush". From my experience, a "crush" is the first seeds of love that are one sided. Indeed, because these are the first seeds, they can easily be corrupted from love, wanting to become better for that person, to lust or jealousy, even outright objectification. These corrupted seeds tend to quickly die, or if nourished, bring forth a very bitter and blighted tree. A tree whose fruit is void of love.

However, my love for this girl is yet pure and untainted despite being in this crush stage. Ironically, I hold on to this love extremely tightly, for it is the result of all my prayers on the subject, yet I realize that if I hold onto it too tightly, and that love is not shared in return, then my heart will be broken asunder, and could corrupt even further, my hopes of happiness and love.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

I remember hearing Seven Crowder from Louder with Crowder, somewhat offhandedly, say concerning this verse in correlation to physical violence, something along the lines of: Was Christ afraid? I think He was when He was pleading to God to not have to be crucified, not have to suffer for our sins and die. He was afraid, as I would be if someone was trying to kill me or my family. "Fear" is not the same as being "afraid".

Now I say, love casts out fear by enabling an individual to move past fear. Like how "courage" is not the absence of fear, but knowing what has to be done and then doing it. Love transforms fear into courage.

Thus why I straining to keep this love pure and clean, for if I better myself, become the man that she deserves and who is worthy of her love, then maybe, just maybe, she would be able to have love for me in return. If not, then I will be that much more worthy and able to love at my next opportunity to find it.

"I finally understood what true love meant. Love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
-Dear John

I would not choose my own love for her over her happiness, because that is the nature of love.

This leads me to Elder Marvin J. Ashton's definition of love, or rather, true love.
"True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is not deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them...."

I agree that "True love is a process." I also know how vainly we can use the word "love". A friend of mine said that love as a word is a verbal contract that we will care about that person. That we will be compassionate, charitable, kind, and be there for them. Another man put it this way. "Love is a commitment to protecting another person's heart with the same passion you use to guard your own." -@RobHillSr

Alas, as I have brought up, there is more than this verbal contract. There is more than just chemicals like testosterone (increases lust and aggression), phenylethylamine (triggers adrenaline and dopamine production), adrenaline (the "zing" like feeling), dopamine (increases energy), serotonin (nostalgia or continued thinking of the individual), oxytocin (cuddle hormone released during orgasm) and vasopressin (anti-diuretic released after sex). There is more than emotions. I believe that as love increases it become a bonding of spirits.

Elder John A. Widtsoe
"Above physical charm, live is begotten by qualities, often subtle, of mind and spirit. The beautiful face may hide an empty mind; the sweet voice may utter coarse words; the lovely form may be ill-mannered; the woman of radiant beauty and the man of kingly form may be intolerable bores on nearer acquaintanceship; or, the person who looks attractive may really have no faults, may excel us in knowledge and courtesy, yet he is not of our kind, his ways are not ours. Under either condition, love wilts in its first stage. 'Falling in love' is always from within, rather than from without. That is, physical attractiveness must be reinforced with mental and spiritual harmony if true love is to be born and have long life--from the Latter-day Saint point of view, to last throughout the eternities? (Evidences and Reconciliations, 297, 299, 302)."

"Soul Mates" as most people define, do not exist. There is not only one chance for any of us to be happy or to find romantic love. However, once we have chosen someone to love, they have chosen to love us in return, then those two, "And they twain shall be one flesh:..." (Mark 10:8). Indeed, a united couple of husband an wife, legally and lawfully by God become Soul Mates. (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: The Reflection in the Water)

Now we see the stages of love, from a crush, to a romance, to becoming soul mates. Now, once a couple becomes soul mates, is that the end of the progression of love? No, indeed, this is where it becomes the most crucial, the most important and vital to maintain that love. To solidify it ever deeper and ever stronger until it is unbreakable, then it still must be maintained. Like and impervious force-field, without continued power, the shield collapses.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?..."
"nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35, 39)

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."
"He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." (1 John 4:7-8)

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;...
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." (Ephesians 5:25,33)

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22)

"If one really loves another, one would rather die for that person than to injure him."
--Elder Spencer W. Kimball

I do not know who said this, but I will close with this quote. "Love is like water; we can fall in it, we can drown in it, and we can't live without it."

Love and happiness, indeed joy, is what I wish for all of you in your lives. Feel free to leave any comments.

Love,
Jacobugoth